I have always viewed women like water—a daily necessity of life and the most accurate mirror into ourselves, flaws and all. As a spiritual practitioner, it is never my intent to be critical of women. With that said, you already know what’s coming next, haha. I have questions! Throughout my journey, countless women who are a part of different spiritual lineages from Africa to the United States to Asia, shared with me the countless times they have been betrayed by “spiritual girlfrends” or women in general, in ways they found shocking and confusing, but more importantly, how these experiences have scarred them. From their point of view, the “therapy talk” and a sprinkle of wisdom quotes could have been a setup to lure them to their demise. I have experienced some interesting dynamics myself within these spaces, but I always thought it was more of an individual character flaw than a “women against women” thing. After all, as a Pisces Sun, I am not above ghosting people without explanation! This piece is not about judgment, but my genuine curiosity about why we are collectively having these experiences and what the spiritual lesson behind them is.
Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that women sacrifice a great deal for their families, communities, work, and more. With that said, who better than women to know the power and love behind how we show up in person and for our girls! It’s hard to fathom that the term of endearment “sis” is weaponized, inviting unsolicited advice at the wrong times, demanding conversations from those who aren’t self-actualized, and requiring us to hold space for others who may not even like or support us. There’s also this observation of doing “the greater good” for “performance” rather than genuine concern or care. Some women actually hold back from seeking meaningful connections with others out of fear that a single wrong association could ruin their reputations! I have had my fair share of incidents where I thought a clever joke, transparency about an issue, or actions I took to demonstrate how I cared for another person blew up in my face or temporarily burned me. Spirituality is personal and such a huge part of how we live; should we treat it like a corporate job and be highly selective about what we are willing to reveal about ourselves? Maybe all areas of life require this sort of gymnastics because, at the end of the day, people are people. However, as much as there are people who are “nice nasty,” where are all the solid women offering a real, solid connection in a solid space?
“Solid” is a slang term and means “to be reliable, trustworthy, and firm.” According to Urban Dictionary, solid means “someone who stands by your side and never folds, no matter what.” Another definition of solid is a real blessing. “Do me this solid.” Now, can we find this amongst women in sacred tradition? Absolutely! For how long, that is the real point of investigation. If you are a devotee, you usually spend a lot of time with others in your spiritual community, whether through collaboration or service. A lot of us simultaneously have put ourselves through school, have great careers, passports, and are anchors for our families. We know how to play the game and how to move in a room full of vultures. However, are we now required to be even more vigilant as we enter these spiritual spaces with women who we feel are gifted and here with much purpose? What happens when no one wants the help, doesn’t see the problem, or worse, wants to make you public enemy number one? Another layer to this is when men are involved.
We all know the performative “girl’s girl”, the “I am for women, but am obsessed with male validation”, and “I didn’t know how to be honest about something you said, so I ghosted” girlfriend. If we are honest, something was always off about the situation, especially when there is this annoying and frustrating continuous occurrence, where women in tradition will believe everything a man says without question, while giving female devotees and initiates a hard time! Add in the components of jealousy, insecurity, or my personal favorite, competition, and you’ve got yourself some juicy drama! Actually, my personal favorite is when they are really mad at themselves for something they chose to do, but have tried to find a clever way to project their loss onto someone else. It appears we were NOT taught how to maintain connection across life’s many stages, especially if those stages involve exposure and vulnerability. At first, I thought people’s disregard for women was unintentional and due to comfort, since women are associated with nurturers. However, there is such a thing as being too comfortable. Women are regarded as the reason we are all here; we appreciate and use their divine power, but forget it once they are not who we think they should be, which is funny because we are taught the pride of honoring one’s clan. You know, your people, your family, and friends. No one comes before the clan. In the modern world, it’s more like “ no one comes before the penis!” or “no one comes before my ego!” Jokes aside, I am just pointing out that, no matter who, what, or where has entered the chat, if something is firm, it is usually strong and unwavering.
After writing this, it seems I have also made a shit ton of observations surrounding the questions I have! Now, here is what I think is the grand spiritual lesson. Maybe we need to accept, given the societal pressures on women, that most women cannot be solid friends; however, if they have the space, it may be a privilege to be one. The truth is, it’s not in everyone’s capacity to be solid; maybe becoming reliable, trustworthy, and firm takes time and effort. Even if it appears only to be the case in our dynamics with women, rather than being a problem, perhaps it is just a way to redirect those who can be more. Our mishaps with women are an invitation to go inward. The elders say you will experience the same thing over and over until you have finally learned your lesson. So horror of horrors, could it be our connection with women is off because unconsciously we are exploiting or disregarding them in ways we have done to ourselves? That being said, this is not about women but an invitation to explore our own fickleness until we become solid within our own being. We could say that the solid woman with whom we have a solid connection lives within ourselves. The mirror we look into as we experience these dynamics could be more jarring, not because someone did something to us, but because we sign up for the same roles more often than we are willing to admit. Learning the same lessons with different people, because we have truly yet to change and evolve.
The ultimate spiritual lesson that our spiritual journey teaches is that the greatest friendship or connection you should always seek to improve is the one you have with yourself. Instead of us making women the reason for our scars, maybe we should thank them for revealing to us the very thing we are hiding deep down: a lack of self-mastery.
With love,
Danaisha